marched harmlessly. But there was content — content of intimidation. The college was as same and as though only I had changed and grown, I marched, this time with a foul intent. An intent to harm, an intent to prove.
Upon reaching the exam hall and sitting there I saw people clamouring thoughtlessly about the exam and it’s doom. I,you see was calm. I wanted to look one. My inner heart thumped out of the same feeling they had but contradictory values I put myself. Oh boy was I cautious. These doesn’t matter. These are just nincompoops living their lives of misery and foul attitude. I was different. My socks were smelly, my tie seemed as though it was thrown in swamp somewhere but heart, it was alive. I seemed alive and what drove this was people’s cynicism through my eyes that were more cynic. I looked as if the more knowing, the more intelligent.
Exams, they don’t have any inherent value. They are just there so they can be justified. A tool in entire world that shan’t be judged, that can’t be judged and questioned. Exams speak aloud the contradiction to life it self. It says, you live at price.
But oh boy again was i cautious. Despite the obviousness of the paradigm that exam built, I created my own abstractions. They all looked numbers and I saw it a paper of human condition. Things like helping poor, free education seems tempting ideas but falls flat and hard when emotions are not involved. All influential things have been the works out of human empathy, it drives on logic and knowledge.
I pretended I had knowledge. Yet the room, they didn’t care. I died inside. The world inside the classroom that was silent couldn’t hear my big brains. Respect my ideas I said. Filth is not human heart I cried yet I wasn’t replied. The girls beside me and boys at side scratched their head for an exam that was monotonous, irrational.
Ah, I thought the paper was what the big deal was about. It’s fear. I gazed upon it like everybody and saw it to that I had no answer to any of those. The results didn’t affect me but the fact that a great person that knows so much would fail miserably killed me. I stood up like a mad man. Erect and immobile. All looked me with contempt but after a while got along with the paper. I was still erect but after a while it was hard to stand by so I sought to go out. And that’s where I was stopped. My thought, my dignity and everything.
Why was I being laughed? Why was it that they didn’t know me and laugh at someone that’s more rational. Walking out of nothingness is obviously a path to something or I was wrong, it was all that mattered was us being in all absurd and meaningless, and walking out of it would have been nothingness? Is it so then I had to try myself, try doing no-one had done, being absurd out of absurd.
I forced myself expulsion. All the exam attendants that later came out laughed at me and laughed so bad that I wanted to kill the laughter. I was mad and madness comes to those that plunge into the world of unknown but they wouldn’t know. I had to make them know that I was worth more. The answer weren’t rags I deliberately wore and not the eyes I showed, it had to be civil, it had to be in the language they understood, it had to be the same exam they took.